for what joy?

It appears it has been almost another month since I’ve written. Wow.

In our pre-departure meeting, the lovely Larissa! discussed with us interns the rollercoaster (s) of emotions that we were likely to experience on this adventure. She endearingly drew little rollercoasters within larger rollercoasters, resulting in what became before me a telling picture of heartbeats within heartbeats. Having already experienced lengthy stays away from home, I “knew” about this rollercoaster and thought I was prepared… This experience, however, the emotions I feel, are quite different than my previous journey to Asia. In part, I think, because I am stationed in one city as opposed to carefree and constantly on the move. Seeing new faces, new landscapes. Encompassed in this is quite a bit: the routine we maintain at home is now transplanted to this strange place… this means waking up for work; walking the same route; shopping at the same grocery stores; eating at the same places…

My rollercoastersssss…

So what if you have some qualms about this routine? What if you haven’t wakened before 10am in two years? What if you are tired of rolling your ankles by mis-stepping on the scary sidewalks on your way to work? What if you are tired of dodging traffic? Dodging dog shit? What if you are ready to scream in the streets every time a tuktuk honks beeps honks beeps honks beeps? What if you don’t want to smell pee multiple times in a day anymore? What if you feel all of this before 10am?

So then you sit down at your desk. And look around. Enjoy your chai. Will I remember Janiki Ama, our patient and intuitive tea lady? What will happen to the groundbreaking project I am working on? How did my new friends enjoy their evening last night? I can’t wait to hear about that… What will we all do tonight? Where will we travel this weekend? What will they teach me next? When will I next be part of a rivoting debate on Indian development… with Indians? Will I forget the beauty of the monsoon rains staining roads red with Indian earth? What if all this is before lunch?

What if these questions float in and out each day? What if they are fragments of larger discourse like self-reflection, self-discovery, the past, the future, values, capacities, ideals. What if your heart is beating so fast you can’t even think? What if you need to sit down because your mind is racing?

All of this seems to be related to my travel patterns… those weekends I stay in Bangalore I struggle for Toronto. Those weekends I am in rural south India there is no place I’d rather be. Do we need to coast to feel the thrill of adventure? Do we need to roll around and get dirty before we can see the calm?

Some people think rollercoasters aren’t worth the lineup. Personally, there is no feeling quite like submitting to the all-powerful tuck-tuck-tuck-tucks of that ascent before the plummet, inside screaming ’What am I doing; I could die at any moment’…

What do I feel at this moment? Only five more weeks left on this ride. I can’t wait to wake tomorrow morning and smile as a tuktuk flies down my street honking good morning to all. I still can’t wait to think ‘I can’t wait to be terrified’.